


Vantage Point

by Yukitsune



Series: DiaMari Week 2018 [4]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Exes, F/F, photographer/model au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 18:54:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16046513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukitsune/pseuds/Yukitsune
Summary: Day 5 of Diamari Week (Photograph + Fashion)A professional photographer and an amateur model meet, fall in love, and break up. It's just another snapshot in their lives, or is it?It's been 2 years since Dia and Mari broke up but they're still not over one another. One drinking party and a series of incidental coincidences later, they finally confront their past and quickly learn that every problem is a matter of perspective.





	Vantage Point

The studio apartment was empty when she opened the door. After slipping off her heels and placing them into the shoe box, she walked into the living room and turned on the lights. She no longer felt the urge to announce her arrival at the end of each day. For the first 4 months, she worked hard to kill the habit because each time it slipped out, she would feel the bitterness when it hit her that no one was around to welcome her anymore. Truthfully, she had already grown numb to the initial loneliness. Going home to an empty apartment stopped surprising her when she stopped expecting anything to change.

Everything was neat and tidy, exactly as she had left it. Instead of bringing her comfort, however, she felt an unwelcome churn in her stomach. Dia wondered when the sight of something familiar started to make her feel like throwing up.

While removing her coat, she jostled the bag that had been swinging on her shoulder. Her shoulder ached and she stifled a groan. The sting from carrying her camera and external equipment for hours on end had set in. It didn’t help that she had her her laptop as well. She sighed as she let the bag fall to the couch. The soft thump echoed in the stale air as she crossed the room to open the sliding doors that led to the balcony.

It was nearing the end of summer so the nights were cooler and more bearable. Her laundry was still hanging above the railings, fluttering in the night breeze after being left to dry in the sun. She reached up to pull the shirts down, and grumbled when she realized they were hanging just out of her reach. If she was one cm taller, she would have been the perfect height. Jerking back suddenly, she forced herself not to continue that train of thought. She had been doing just fine on her own. Instead, she grabbed a small stool that boosted her height just enough to for her to unpin her clothes. There were barely any cars on the road, but she could still hear a faint buzzing in her head. However, that could also just be due to the alcohol in her system.

She set up her laptop and inserted the latest memory chip which contained pictures from her latest photoshoot. As the photographs took their time to load on her screen, her eyes drifted to the magazine in her briefcase. Part of her regretted the impulse decision. The current issue had been recently released and she had resisted the morbid curiosity for two days. Perhaps it was because she had been acquainted with one of the younger models a few years ago. It could also have been because her high school best friend had texted her that her ex-girlfriend looked ridiculously hot in the latest issue. Whatever it was, it prompted her to grab a copy of the magazine at the train station.

The girl on the cover wore a playful smirk which enhanced her strikingly olive eyes. Dia’s eyes trailed over the figure hugging dress to focus on the golden curls in her hair. With the added gloss and touch ups, the model seemed to shine off the page. She was a natural blonde, but her current hair color was too golden to not have come from the bottle. The name stated on the magazine cover was “Ohara Mari”, but the girl that Dia remembered was completely different from the cover girl with the frozen smile. Dia remembered when they used to spend hours lying in bed, talking about idle matters while she twirled her hair with her fingers. Her curls were always the softest after she had just showered. Mari didn't need make up or colored contacts; beauty was simply one of her natural qualities. When she laughed, the joy reached her eyes and the world seemed more tolerable. She was brutally honest, opinionated, and stubborn to a fault. That Mari wasn't the girl on the cover. 

Mari had once told her that she admired Dia’s work because she could turn any imperfection into something beautiful. In truth, Dia didn't see it that way. To her, everyone had individual flaws and strengths. It was their earnestness and determination that made them beautiful. All she had to do was help them realise their qualities and showcase them to the rest of the world. However, she saw none of those things in the girl on the page.

Perhaps, she was simply biased. To some extent, thinking about her ex left an unwelcome churn in her stomach. After the breakup, Dia abstained from dating. Her excuse was that she had too much work to do and too little time. It wasn't a complete lie. She had taken on more freelance assignments and projects over the past 2 years. However, her previous relationship had taken everything she had and more, career and otherwise. She needed to find closure and stability before even considering another partner.

The computer prompted her to complete the import and she placed the magazine onto the table. It wasn’t like she was regularly buying every issue that featured Mari. She couldn’t control the fact that her best friend would send her a message whenever they were released in their hometown. At first, she thought Kanan was being insensitive by bringing her up, considering she lived over 4 hours away. However, she realised that her childhood friend probably knew her better than she thought. To some extent, she still cared about the blonde girl and the casual updates from her friend helped to ease her concern. The exclusive contract was probably one of the better things to have come from their relationship. It was also something that Mari didn’t need to know about.

She sighed and hoped that she wouldn’t have a headache when she woke up. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea to accept the invitation to attend a drinking party with her colleagues. She had a fair alcohol tolerance but she rarely went for drinking parties because people went there with the intention of getting drunk. Alcohol lowered her own inhibitions and she would be particularly vulnerable to the memories and nostalgia that she tried to avoid on better days. Thankfully, she had left early. 

The selection screen slowly became out of focus and she felt her eyes starting to close. After a few unsuccessful tries to shake the sleepiness from her eyes, she told herself that she could spare a few minutes for a nap. She could just wake up early to finish the pictures and send in her proofs.

~~

“Sorry for the intrusion!”

The scene before her wasn't unfamiliar. Her memories usually took the form of playback moments which stood out in her mind. This one in particular was one of the earlier starting points in her dreams.

Their beginning wasn't very romantic. Their working relationship had started out because Dia had been covering an exposition for her company. Various models had to be selected for their upcoming product lines. Hence, she was part of the camera crew in charge of taking the shots which would determine which models got selected.

Mari had arrived fashionably late, as she called it, and missed the first showcase and casting. Dia had accidentally walked in on her receiving a lecture about having lunch before the photoshoot. Models were supposed to fast for at least 12 hours before any photoshoots and the glint in Mari’s eyes showed that she was less than remorseful about breaking that rule. However, as she was relatively new to the industry, the director removed her from the showcase line up for the day. Dia personally had no issues with shooting models who had eaten. After all, humans require food to function. Feeling a bit sorry for her, she offered to take a few beauty shots and headshots for Mari’s future use since she had already finished with the others. It wouldn’t cost her too much time and it would give the girl a distraction since she had already come down to the venue.

Dia had submitted the pictures and proofs to her company within 48 hours, as usual. However, she didn’t expect to find a personal email from Mari, thanking her for her hard work, sitting in her inbox. Models hardly responded, much less thank photographers, unless they were doing an official shoot. Considering that the crew usually dealt directly with the modelling agencies, it was especially rare for a model to bother with pleasantries like this.

In fact, for Mari to get her contact information, she probably had to put in a special request with her manager due to their disclosure clause. That alone made her different from any client she had worked with. It prompted her to reply the email with a few compliments and well wishes, which in turn, began a series of messages asking about her day and whether she was doing well. Their conversations moved to Line once Mari explained that it was getting troublesome to sieve through her emails on her mobile every time she wanted to respond. That led to Dia taking a leap and asking if she was free for lunch after her next photoshoot. The thought of it being a date didn’t cross her mind until Mari leaned in on impulse and kissed her on the cheek before she left.

“Please have a seat. Would you like some tea?” She heard herself speak, and felt the nervousness as if she was physically re-experiencing it.

“I like coffee. Ah- Uh, I mean, tea is fine.” There was a slight pause before both of them ended up giggling. Dia was unable to forget Mari’s awkward response when she realized it was rude to decline the host. That was also the first and last time Mari attempted to follow proper etiquette. At the time, she had felt guilty because all she had was a few instant packets of hot chocolate. Those were reserved for the only person who visited her home regularly- her sister. Following that incident, she kept up a steady supply of coffee.

It was Mari’s first visit to her home and her relationship with Mari hadn’t been defined yet. They had been having lunch when Dia received a call that her deadline for submission of proofs had been pushed up. Hence, she had to cut the non-date date short. The blonde girl had jumped at the chance and asked if she could visit her home since she had nothing else planned for the day. Dia had accepted on a whim, but also because she was not ready to bid the other girl goodbye. She sometimes wondered whether Mari regretted setting foot in her apartment or asking if she could visit her. Perhaps, if she had declined, or if Mari hadn’t asked, they would have remained friends. The model shifted in her seat uncomfortably as Dia placed the glass in front of her. She seemed to struggle to find a topic to break the silence. “So, you do all your work at home?”

“I edit my photographs at home because there are less distractions here.”

“Oh, am I a distraction?” Mari smirked, her sentence laced with innuendo. Dia could see the slight concern in her eyes and refrained from giving her a sarcastic response. Mari was a tease sometimes, but she seemed to be genuinely worried about whether Dia wanted her around. Dia didn’t understand why she felt that way since their roles should be reversed.

“…I don't know yet.” Dia replied honestly, but she couldn't stop the answering smile from breaking through her neutral expression. Her feelings toward the other girl were muddled and she wasn't sure whether she could handle dating someone like her. “But I’m not against finding out.”

Mari’s hopeful smile reached her eyes and Dia felt like she already knew the answer to her question.

…

Mari’s smile morphed into a mass of giggles as the girl flopped onto the bed next to Dia. Her hair was damp from the shower and her body was wrapped in a fluffy purple robe. Her face was scrubbed free of make up, which was usually when Mari felt the most comfortable. The bed shifted with the added weight and Dia moved her legs so that Mari could curl up beside her while she worked on her laptop. She was in the midst of editing a bunch of new photographs, but Mari had taken a fascination to watching her work. Hence, as per her request, Dia frequently brought her laptop to bed so Mari could lean on her shoulder and “watch her make magic” as she had so eloquently put it. It often led to random and unnecessary commentaries on some nights and soulful conversations on others. Dia found that talking about sensitive subjects was a lot easier when her mind was focused on her pictures and her guard was down.

“Don't you ever want to try it?”

“Hmm?”

“You spend so much time behind the camera lens, but you could easily take up modelling too.”

“I’m not very suited for modelling, if that’s what you’re referring to.” Dia replied, her eyes barely leaving the screen. “You, on the other hand, are someone worth watching.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been watching you too.” Mari continued. She shifted her position so that she was lying on her back. However, she wanted to sustain a form of contact with Dia so she reached for her hand and traced patterns onto her palm as she spoke. “Before I moved to Japan, I was initially interested in fashion. However, going to my first showcase was what helped me figure out what I want to do with my career.”

“Become a model?”

“Yes, but I want to show the world that models can appreciate junk food and desserts, date, care for their health and still succeed at doing their job.” Mari said thoughtfully. Her voice had taken on a lower register and her tone was almost wistful. “There are so many models who feel forced to go on crazy diets and exercise all the time, but that’s just because the industry doesn’t have models who are comfortable enough to be themselves. So, they are forced into complying with the dictated norms. I want to become famous enough to influence the way the industry works. Perhaps, I can help other people with the same image issues.”

Dia turned her attention to the girl beside her, and watched the genuine emotions sweep across her face. Nights like this were Dia’s favourite. Although she enjoyed going for dinner dates and watching movies together, they couldn’t compare to the quiet moments which they spent talking and learning more about one another. It had been more than a year since Mari moved in and Dia was sure that she was falling more for her every day.

“You’re amazing, Mari-san. Having the courage to chase after such a dream, you’re really brave.” Sparing the last few pictures a quick glance, Dia shut the laptop and placed it beside the bed. By the time she turned back, Mari had already slipped under the covers and was lifting the blankets for her. Dia smiled. Being with Mari was almost instinctive. Perhaps this was what it was like to have a daily routine she would not tire of. Some part of her was afraid of what would happen if she got too used to it, but with Mari lying so close to her, she felt like she could be just a bit braver. “It’ll take a lot of work, but you know you can make it right? You’ll reach your goals and be the cover girl that you’ve always dreamed of. I’m looking forward to supporting you in future.”

She left out her presumption that she would support Mari from afar even if she couldn’t be by her side. She wasn't a pessimist but it had been a nagging thought that surfaced every now and then. Mari’s future may not have a place for her once she realised that Dia was holding her back. Yet, as if Mari had read her mind, a shadow of worry seemed to darken her expression, but it was gone before Dia had the chance to ask. It was replaced by a sweet smile as Mari hugged her closer almost aggressively. Their foreheads were touching when she finally spoke again.

“In that case, I look forward to seeing both our names on the same page.” Her voice was firm and confident; Dia expected nothing less. Mari was so much stronger than her. She would be fine even without her. She turned to switch off the remaining lamps that illuminated the room and soon, they were enveloped in darkness. She could still feel Mari’s hand clutching hers. It was warm and familiar. She squeezed Mari’s hand in return and heard her voice, which seemed to be coming from far away. “I love you, you know that right?”

It wasn’t the first or last time that Mari said those words, but Dia felt her heart clench all the same. “I love you too.”

“Good night, Dia.”

“Good night, Mari-san.”

Over the years, Dia had replayed the scene, along with various other moments, countless times in her head. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still feel the pressure of Mari’s hand on hers.

Something had been different that night. Thinking back, Dia had dismissed the slight waver in Mari’s voice when she said good night. Mari’s grip had been more tense and cold than what she remembered. It was almost as if Mari was afraid of something. Dia had lost the ability to differentiate between the real memory and the altered version that kept appearing in her dreams. Memories were tainted parts of the truth. Perhaps, she had just interpreted and kept the moments that she wanted to remember and forgotten the rest.

Deep down, she wanted to ignore the possibility that Mari had anticipated their ending earlier than she did.

~~

She heard the door close abruptly and froze. She hated this part of the dream, but her brain never ended a montage of her failed relationship without it. She wanted to shut her eyes and forget everything, but it was in the past, and trying to deny it wouldn’t make a difference. Almost every dream had to end with the scene of Mari walking out. Dia figured that her punishment was having to relive it over and over with the knowledge that she was not coming back.

The real memories of their last few months together were hazy. At times, she wondered if they were really that uneventful, or if she was so numb that nothing stood out anymore.

What remained crystal clear was the whispers and rumours amongst their peers that conveniently dissipated whenever Mari appeared in the room. Being a crew member had its perks; she was virtually invisible unless she made special effort to get herself noticed. Their comments weren’t new. They were the accumulation of her own insecurities and fears, except they were real. Mari had enough potential to succeed but she rarely put herself out there. The reason behind her restrictions was obvious. Dia.

Maybe her girlfriend was satisfied with accepting regular modelling jobs and being a catalogue model. She was making enough money to get by, but she wasn’t doing much in terms of trying to reach her goals. Dia had worked with and watched enough models to know what it took to be a cover girl. Every girl joined the industry for a different reason, but most of them either wanted to be contracted by a big company so their futures would be secured.

The industry was cut-throat and cruel. The models were seen as currency and assets because they were all replaceable. All it took was one slip up, and their ambitions of being selected by the top clients would be nothing more than a pipe dream. One failed model wouldn’t make much difference in the industry because there was always someone who would gladly step in. After all the hard work that Mari had put in, she couldn’t let that happen to her.

Evidently, Dia wasn’t near famous enough to make any substantial influence. Everything had a price, and in return for free shoots and putting in a good word for them, people were willing to pay. Late nights and twice the amount of work she usually did, in return for more well known job offers and casting calls. It was a price she had to be willing to pay. If Mari was serious about her ambitions, she would leave her one day. She had to. It was just a matter of time. Instead of dwelling on it, Dia chose to make sure that she would have the foundation required to be the cover girl for any magazine she desired. In the meantime, she would put Mari’s name out there and set the stage for her to gain the experience she needed to get into her dream selections. She didn’t see anything wrong with giving her the best chance she had to secure her future.

“You’re late again.” Dia winced. She hadn’t even closed the door yet. Bantering and casual jabs at one another were a natural part of their relationship but this was different. There was no trace of humour in her tone, nor the usual lilt in her voice which led to her saying “it’s a joke”. For Mari to be genuinely upset, she must have been building her anger for a while.

“I can’t help it. I had a new work assignment and another location shoot to cover.” Dia gently shut the door and placed her bags near the entrance. “You’re not the only one with a demanding job.”

“You didn’t even pick up when I called you.” Taking off her jacket, Dia crossed the room to fold it neatly on the dining table. Mari’s voice followed her even if she physically didn’t move.

“You know I can’t answer calls when I’m on location.”

“Is that really what you were doing?”

“Are you seriously asking me if I’m cheating on you?” On hindsight, Dia shouldn’t have reacted so defensively. However, the resentment and bitterness about their relationship that had built up over time were getting to her. Even after all she had done, she was accused of adultery. All she wanted to was to go and sleep so that she wouldn’t say anything too damaging.

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Mari burst out, exasperated with the situation. “This isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned it, and you’re still coming home late and you won’t even tell me what you’re doing.”

“What? This is ridiculous Mari-san. I spend all my free time either with you or trying to help you. Where do you think all the job offers come from?” Dia had been running on fumes for the past few days and her patience had been exhausted.

“It’s not like you don’t benefit from my success though. It must be tiring, getting all the credit for helping a newcomer find fame.” Mari folded her arms defensively. Her guard was up and Dia knew there was no way to talk her down. “Is that why you asked me out that day? Because you saw an opportunity?”

“You talked about doing everything you could change the industry with your success. Don’t you understand that everything comes with a price?” Instead of rising to the bait, Dia tried to make her understand. She was being selfish and not looking at the entire picture. “With such great aspirations, you need to take responsibility to attain them.”

“Aren’t I the one who ends up paying?” Mari spat back. “You use a lot of complex words but you’re not taking responsibility for your own actions. At the end of the day, I’m the one who ends up alone. You criticise the industry for destroying lives but you’re spending most of your time there. Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite?”

“Is that really what you think of me?” Dia said quietly. She wanted to ask if Mari regretted their relationship but she thought that the answer would break her and she couldn’t let that happen. It wasn't the first time that Mari had lashed out but the implied accusation of destroying her life hurt more than any allegation of infidelity.

“I don't know what to think anymore.” It wasn't a response to her question, but that was enough.

“Mari-san, if that’s what you really feel, then maybe we aren’t right for one another.”

The few moments after Mari turned and walked away from her were agonisingly painful. Part of her wanted to scream and force her to understand that she would never ever do anything to hurt her. However, the overwhelming part of her knew that, despite her claims, she had already done that. As if to confirm her own point, she allowed the door to close behind Mari.

Her phone vibrated suddenly, shaking her out of her stupor. She reached into her bag and fished out her mobile phone and glanced through the new email. One of her contacts had pulled through. The top editor of a company had agreed to put Mari’s name as the forefront choices for the next selection. She would be getting a call within the month, once the commissions and model release conditions had been worked out. She typed out an email to thank him for his hard work and promised to hold up her end of the bargain. She mentally prepared herself for the amount of work she would be doing for the next few weeks without getting paid. When she heard the sound of the email leaving her outbox, she placed the phone face down and finally allowed herself to cry.

Mari’s things had all but disappeared by the time she returned home from work the next day. She hadn’t even left a note when she had taken the essentials. Dia frowned. She did a quick stock check for her items and wondered what Mari deemed as unnecessary enough to leave behind, other than her. She opened her laptop case and searched the compartments before she found what she was looking for. She pulled out one of the older pictures they had taken together. It was one of the only pictures she had printed out and the only one she kept. She had the urge to rip it apart, as if it would be symbolic of her torn relationship. However, she slipped it into an old magazine and placed it at the back of her shelf.

The fact that the magazine was the first issue that Mari was featured in, was irrelevant. She wouldn’t need it anymore.

~~

She was met with darkness when she opened her eyes. Startled, she blinked a few times to get used to her surroundings, ignoring the way her heart pounded. The dreams had been a recurring occurrence not too long ago, but they had stopped.

Her head wasn't hurting but she was fairly certain that she had been editing her photos a few hours ago. She stared into the open space in front of her, wondering if she had missed something. She pushed herself into an upright position and noticed a faint strip of light beneath her door. 

She still wasn't sure if she was sleeping. Perhaps, this whole thing was an alcohol induced dream that she hadn’t woken up from.

There was a faint noise from beyond the security of her room, and she realized that the intruder was still in her premises. In her sleep-addled confusion, she had forgotten to consider the possibility of a hostile intruder. However, whoever it was, they didn't seem to be ransacking her belongings. It also didn't make sense for a thief or murderer to bring their victim to bed and tuck them in. Her curiosity got the better of her and she pulled the door slightly towards her. When the door had opened enough to let a few rays of light into her room, she peeked out towards the living room. When her brain finally processed the sight before her, she almost stepped back and shut the door in disbelief. Instead, she was rooted to the ground, staring and trying to comprehend the implications of what was happening.

“I always know when you’re watching me, Dia.”

She knew she had been caught. There was no use trying to hide, so she opened the door and stepped towards her. “Do I get a proper goodbye, this time?”

That seemed to sting. Mari broke her gaze and looked at the magazine in her hand. “I came back, you know?”

“Well it’s a bit late for that now.”

“No... I came back to the apartment a week later, but you’d already gone. I asked around but nobody knew when you’d be back. I was afraid that you had left for good.” Dia narrowed her eyes. That was the week where Dia visited her hometown in the attempt to clear her head. It had been a good to share her stories with her old friends who had nothing to do with the city life. She hadn’t told anyone except for her boss.

“Mari-san, it’s too late for you to be telling me this. Sakurai-san mentioned that you had an audition today? I’ll let you stay tonight so you can get ready-” Mari’s head snapped up, cutting Dia off. Her glare was lethal. Perhaps she shouldn’t have mentioned Riko or the audition, but Mari had no reason to be jealous.

“Kurosawa Dia, we dated for 4 years; I was going to ask you to marry me. Don’t say things like ‘it’s too late’.” The sharp and steely tone that her voice took meant that her patience was running thin. Dia’s eyes widened. She never thought that Mari was planning a proposal. For her to reveal something like that, she must be really drunk.

“...it was 4 years and 3 months but fine. So, tell me; why did you come here, Mari-san?” Mari fought the urge to smile. Dia still cared. She was just an idiot when it came to understanding or expressing feelings. It had initially been a point of frustration for her because Mari often revealed too much to Dia while the latter did the opposite. She had tried to forget and move on. However, after she moved out, the amount of nights she spent thinking about her only increased. The first time she brewed her own coffee, she spat it out because it was too acidic. Dia had always made it just right for her; or perhaps she had just gotten used to it. She went to the nearby cafe every morning from that day onwards. It wasn’t “just right”, but it was just enough to get her through the day. She was the reason why Mari left her penthouse suite, despite her adamant decision to decline the drinking party invitation. Of course, Dia being Dia, never realised. 

Mari had been told that it was a casual gathering of colleagues and friends from various companies. In other words, it was an unofficial go-see to socialise and form new contacts with the upcoming cover girls. However, she wasn't interested in making superficial connections and having men hit on her. Hence, she had convinced one of her juniors to take her place by bribing her with manga. Sakurai Riko was one of the more down to earth juniors that she had encountered in the modeling industry and she considered her more of a friend than a kouhai. Hence, when her phone chimed with a chat notification from Riko, Mari was less than pleased to know that her ex-girlfriend was also in attendance.

Before she realized what she was doing, she had gotten dressed and was on her way to the event location. She wasn't sure why she was so affected by the idea of Dia accepting an invitation to a drinking party, but the image of her being subject to the unwelcome attention of tipsy guys left a bitter taste in her mouth. Or rather, the idea of Dia with any other person made her nauseous. It made her want to show up and prove to her that she could move on too. However, it wasn’t as if she had been completely celibate.

She had gone on multiple dates, with various people. They helped to upkeep her image as a model with a successful personal life, but she didn't take them seriously and never had second dates. It was a side thought but she had assumed that Dia had remained single too.

Mari reached the bar approximately thirty minutes later. Upon announcing her arrival, she had been warmly welcomed by the group. She pasted a docile smile on her face as she greeted her peers while she simultaneously scanned the crowd. However, she didn’t do a very good job of being discreet because Riko pulled her aside and told her that Dia had left because she had work due the next day. The disappointment must have shown on her face, because Riko guided her to a seat and drinks were placed in front of her. Mari shrugged. She had already taken the time and effort to attend the event, so she might as well indulge in a few drinks. Or more than a few.

The rest of the night was hazy, but she had somehow gotten into a taxi and successfully recited an address which wasn’t complete gibberish. It wasn’t until her key failed to unlock the door, that she realised something was wrong. Mari blinked and took an unsteady step back to look at the nameplate. Kurosawa. She had gone to Dia’s house.

Since she was definitely not sober enough to find her way home, she had two options. She could either try to walk to the nearest station, or find the spare key that Dia usually hid for emergencies and risk enduring her wrath. She glanced at the percentage of battery left in her phone and sighed.

~

“So, you came here to use my charger?”

“We haven’t spoken in over 2 years and that’s what you start with?”

“It’s 4.30am, Mari-san. You broke into my house.” Dia said, folding her arms as she handed Mari a glass of warm water. “Drink this. You’re fortunate that I didn't call the police.”

“I didn’t have to break in since I found your spare key.” Mari smiled ruefully. Her speech was still sluggish and her Italian accent was more slurred than usual. Dia wanted to roll her eyes; Mari really couldn't hold her liquor. “Ah! I have to thank you for buying my magazine!”

“You only found the magazine after you broke in, Mari-san.” The brunette replied in a deadpan voice. The considerably tipsy girl frowned as she tried to process the information. Evidently, her mind had jumbled up the order of events. It would be amusing if Dia wasn't exhausted and slightly inebriated. “Anyway, I didn't buy it because of you.”

At Mari’s raised eyebrows, Dia glanced awkwardly to the side, not meeting her inquisitive gaze. She didn't want to admit that she had bought it when she was tipsy and on the way home. “One of my newer models was published for the first time so I bought the magazine to support her.”

That sounded fairly believable, right? She spared her ex another glance but if it was even possible, the blonde’s mood darkened even more. She looked as if Dia had just slapped her. Dia felt like she had to apologise for something, but she had no idea what her mistake was. She hated feeling such a loss.

Instead of responding right away, Mari started flipping through the pages more aggressively. She seemed to be searching for something, or rather, someone. She was drunk and her logic was flawed. Dia had half a mind to take away the magazine in case she tore the pages. After all, she had spent part of her salary to buy it. Finally, Mari stopped. She slammed the magazine shut and flipped it over.

“Well, magazine coverage isn’t a big deal anyway. Most of the newbies just recycle the same poses and expressions. They’re so boring.” The offhand comment had hidden barbs and insults, which took Dia by surprise. Mari had always been sarcastic and playful but the venom in the statement was new. Or maybe she just didn’t know her as well as she thought. “Or maybe they’re just ignorant.”

“You do remember that you were once a newcomer right?” Dia frowned. The petulant look on her face as she glowered at the other models reminded her of a child who was used to getting things her way. It made her annoyed to see that Mari hadn’t changed. “Acting so unreasonable and spoilt, it seems like you still lack maturity. You don’t see the effort that other people have to put in to make it where they are. You can be so self-absorbed.”

“Self-absorbed? Don’t make me laugh.” Dia was wrong. Mari had changed. The newly ignited fury in her gaze only worsened as Mari’s irritation increased tenfold. Perhaps it was the liquid courage, but once she started speaking, she couldn’t stop herself from releasing all the frustration that she had buried. “You didn’t listen to anything I said when we were dating. I wanted to change the industry but I didn’t want to be on the covers of flashy magazines and doing poses for random strangers who just wanted to exploit my body. I tried to decline the jobs but the clients specifically asked for me. I wonder why that was the case.”

As she spoke, her anger made her feel sober and more clear-headed than she had been a few years ago. Dia opened her mouth to retort or reply but Mari kept prodding on. She couldn’t let Dia interrupt her. She had spent years bottling it in for her sake, and having the chance to finally release all the anger and resentment was cathartic. Not too long ago, she had assumed that Dia knew what was best for her, but she had been wrong the entire time. Dia didn’t understand. The cameras, the fake smiles and sexy poses, Mari hated them. Everything about that world was a lie. People were seen as figures and assets to be dressed up and used. That was exactly what she wanted to change, but she had been forced into being a part of it.

Every time someone other than Dia took photographs for her, she felt like she had cheated. She would spend hours in the bathroom trying to scrub herself clean but she could not erase the sly smirks of the people behind the camera lens, telling her to show more cleavage or lift her skirt up. She felt so exposed and violated. It felt physically wrong to do any of those things because she only wanted to do them for Dia. Yet, she was told that it was the nature of the job and she just had to get used to it. She knew that wasn’t the case. When Dia was behind the lens, she felt appreciated, safe and comfortable. Even at their first meeting, the brunette photographer made sure to get her opinion and checked on her level of comfort for any poses she was asked to do. She was an example of someone who put her heart into photography and was able to bring out the same in her models.

When she had first started out in the industry, Mari had been more willing to take a few racier shots, despite her discomfort. People paid more for those and she was more likely to get picked by future clients once they saw her assets. She told herself that the temporary suffering was worth it. Once she became famous, she would be able to decide what kind of jobs she would accept. However, when she finally got published, she ironically lost the ability to control of her career. From the moment she signed an exclusive contract with her agency, her consent or dissent was less than relevant. Her booking agent was the one who decided which modelling jobs she would or wouldn’t do. After she became the regular cover girl, more often than not, the former ended up being the answer.

In her search for fame, she had mistaken the blinding flashes of the cameras for the stars she had been reaching for. It was only when she was left in the darkness that she realised that the lights she had been trying to follow were all artificial.

“I may have been blinded but you weren’t completely innocent. You never talked about anything. Instead, you hid behind your camera lens to put distance between yourself and the problem.” Mari said accusingly. “You never looked at the full picture because you only focus on what you want to see.”

She remembered the moment that occurred exactly 2 weeks after she had moved out. She had been lining up for an iced latte when she received the call that would alter her career completely. One of the top clients in the industry had offered her an exclusive. She would represent them solely for a period of time and was the guaranteed cover girl for certain issues. The exclusive contract with her contracting company meant that for the next 6 months, she would only be allowed to represent her client. She was still sent to countless casting calls, auditions and go-sees, but everyone knew that Ohara Mari was “off-limits”, in more ways than one. Any requests and job offers had to be held for future bookings, subject to approval. She should have been happy. She was.

However, what came to mind was that the one person whom she wanted to share the moment with, was no longer a part of her life. She had left the cafe with her drink in hand and tears in her eyes.

“You thought you knew what I wanted; what my dreams were, but you didn’t. What you did was project your idea of what my dream should have been, and pushed me towards it.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Dia clenched her fists. She thought back to all the conversations where Mari talked about how much she wanted to be noticed on the cover of magazines. It was the logical conclusion that she would be happy if she managed to attain her dreams. Hence, Dia had done her best to ensure that she would have a way into the spotlight. Had she really failed to understand anything that Mari said?

“Why didn’t you just ask?” After everything they had gone through, neither of them could respond. They both knew the answer to their questions. It was the devastatingly simple truth that they couldn’t articulate.

“Mari-san, you LEFT.” When Mari stopped long enough to catch her breath, Dia spoke. She finally allowed herself to feel everything that she had kept to herself during the final few months of their relationship. All of her anger and frustration slipped out in a hurry. The stress of having to work so hard for someone who didn’t appreciate her, as well as the bitterness that she’ll always be seen as Mari’s girlfriend and not as herself. For all her passion and talk about ignorance, Mari didn't understand her either. Dia never asked for anything because she felt unworthy. Mari leaving her like that simply proved her point that they were from different worlds. 

“I did everything in my power to make you happy, despite knowing it would never be enough for you in the long run. Your dreams were always bigger than me. The favors I called in, the late nights and extra assignments, everything I did was for you. Yet, it wasn't enough to make you stay. What more did you want?”

Mari bowed her head and her shoulders were trembling slightly. Dia wanted to reach out and touch her but before she could, Mari looked up and met her gaze. To her horror, she realised the blonde girl was crying. When she spoke, her broken voice shattered the final piece of Dia’s heart.

“I only ever wanted you, Dia. But you didn’t want me enough to ask me to stay.”

The alarm on Dia’s phone buzzed suddenly. The sound cut through the tense atmosphere in the room, making both girls jump. Dia quickly reached for her phone to switch off the alarm, plunging the room back into an uneasy silence. She murmured an apology for the jarring sound but was met with no response from Mari. Dia sighed. They used to sit in comfortable silence, doing their own things and just enjoying one another’s presence. Now, she could barely remember what that felt like. 

After checking the time, she couldn’t stop the exhausted sigh from escaping. It was already 5am. She had 3 hours before she needed to submit a new set of pictures, which she had yet to edit.

Mari’s yawn caught her attention. She turned to the blonde girl who had the decency to look a bit embarrassed. She must be exhausted too, Dia figured. Hence, she slowly stood up and guided Mari towards her room. She thought of it as returning the favour from earlier. Surprisingly, she was met with no resistance. The other girl wordlessly allowed Dia to tuck her in, before drifting off to sleep almost instantly. Dia quickly shut the door to her bedroom and ignored the nagging realization that Mari automatically returned to her side of the bed, as if she was expecting Dia to join her. Although they barely made any skin contact, Dia felt the familiar urge to stroke her hair. The past few months had helped in putting aside her feelings, but she still cared for her ex more than she would like to admit.

She flicked off the lights in the living room, even though the sky was already starting to lighten. She lay on the couch and stared up at the ceiling, hoping that her heart would stop beating so fast. She didn’t have much time; her alarm would go off soon. However, getting a few hours of sleep was better than none. It seemed like forever and a day, but her surroundings finally faded into grey and then darkness.

~

The next time she woke, sunlight had completely illuminated her surroundings and her eyes almost teared at the brightness. There was a certain warmth that encompassed her body, which made it easy to give in to the alluring pull of slumber. However, the incessant buzzing of her phone prompted her to force herself awake. Groaning, she realised that she must have slept through her alarm. Her next paycheck was going to suffer for the delay. There was a soft mumble of discomfort before Dia realized that she wasn't alone. Gently rolling on her side, she was met with the sleeping form of Ohara Mari. The warmth she had felt earlier was due to Mari’s arms, which were encircling her waist. She could feel the soft brush of air on her neck as the other girl inhaled and exhaled in steady breaths.

The first thought that crossed her mind was that she missed the familiarity of waking up together. The blonde heiress had always looked more vulnerable and innocent in her sleep. It made Dia want to do everything she could to prevent any harm from getting to her. She still couldn't believe the turn of events that had occurred the night before, but somehow it led to them lying close enough for their lips to touch if she just leaned forward. Not that she was thinking of doing that. Being able to finally speak her mind, Dia felt more awake and clear about her feelings than she had been for the past few months. If this was her last time seeing her, she wanted to commit this Mari to memory. 

She lightly brushed aside a few strands of golden hair that splayed themselves across her forehead. Tiny smudges of foundation marked the edges of the sofa cushions, which made Dia smile fondly. It was almost as if she never left, but that was too dangerous a thought for her to have. If anything, she looked younger and more like the Mari she remembered. However, the lack of make-up meant that there was no hiding the dark circles under her eyes, and the pallor of her cheeks. Her cheekbones were sharper than before, and the curves of her hipbones had become more defined. Dia resisted the urge to run her fingers along her ribs, even though she was sure that they would be more prominent than she remembered.

Mari had always been strong and passionate about life. Each time she spoke and shared her thoughts and opinions, her determination and passion would shine through and it made people want to believe in the same things she did. It was partly the reason why she fell in love with her. She made Dia want to do her best to earn the right to stay by her side. Perhaps in her attempts to make her happy, she had completely missed the signs that she was not.

“You know, you were wrong earlier. I love you. I thought that you would be better off without me holding you back, so I pushed you away instead. Yet, I still wanted you. I’m despicable, aren’t I?” She spoke in a low voice, half hoping that it would reach the blonde girl’s dreams, much like how Mari had never left hers. Mari pressed her cheek further into the cushion, which made Dia panic and try to come up with an excuse for their positions. To her immense relief, Mari didn't stir. In a moment of weakness, she let out a contented sigh and pulled the other girl closer. “I really missed you. I’m sorry for making things so difficult for you.”

~~

The smell of freshly brewed coffee never failed to rouse Mari from slumber, no matter how tired she was. It made Dia grateful for the supply of coffee grains she kept, to support herself when she had to work overnight. It wasn't because some part of her hoped that Mari would come back someday. The sleepy hum from the sofa alerted her that Mari would probably wake up soon. She turned back to her computer screen and did the finishing touches for the latest catalogue line assigned to her. Her editorials were not due for another week so she still had time to complete those.

While the other girl slept, Dia had done some damage control and fired off a few apologetic emails to her supervisor and had completed the first selection of proofs. Considering that her supervisor was the one who persuaded her to sit and have a drink with them, she had simply been assigned two extra photoshoots in return for her last minute request to book out for the day. 

“Thank you for not kicking me out last night.” Mari pattered out of the kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. She pulled out the chair across from Dia and slowly sipped her coffee. She looked at the coffee cup as if she was cradling a precious gemstone. Dia almost smiled. Coffee still worked wonders for her.

“Are you referring to the apartment, or the sofa?” 

“…Both?” Mari winced for a split second and Dia realised she would probably be having a hangover. 

“How’s your head?”

“Pounding...” 

“That’s why you shouldn’t go for drinking parties alone.” Dia handed Mari a strip of aspirin for her headache.

“To be fair, I only went to the event because I thought you’d be there.”

“...you should get ready so you can make it for your audition later.” Once again, the brunette was thankful for her computer screen which placed a divider between them. Deciding that Mari was hungover and not thinking clearly, she changed the subject.

“When will you stop making my decisions for me?” Mari asked, drinking her coffee slowly. Her statement was blunt but her voice was soft. Dia thought that she should have been more angry because they still had a lot of things to resolve if they ever wanted to move on. “Wasn’t that part of the reason why we broke up?” 

“Mari-san, if you're not happy with your job and want to quit, you should.” Dia explained. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I wasn’t trying to force you into doing something you hated. The choice has always been up to you.”

“If that’s really the case, I would choose you.”

“H-huh?” Stunned by her statement, Dia’s body forgot about the tea she was drinking, which resulted in a series of coughs. The only advantage was that it hid the blush that had spread rampantly across her cheeks. That was a huge change from the drunk and angry Mari she had met the night before. She took a few seconds to regain her composure. “I was referring to your career, Mari-san.”

“I know. Me too. You’ve always been my first choice as a photographer.” It sounded like Mari had already given it some thought. Mari was looking at her with an unreadable gaze but there was no indication that she was joking. Furthermore, this was how she used to speak as her girlfriend and Dia felt more confused than ever. “I also know that you’re the reason I got selected for my first exclusive. Apparently, the Creative Director hadn’t realised that we had broken up when he asked me about your reduced rates.”

Dia sighed. She should have known better than to trust someone who was easily bribed. “I don’t think the clients appreciate those type of restrictions on their cover girl. I’m sure they have better photographers.”

“Well, I’ve never really appreciated their opinions.” Mari said casually. “I don’t have to be a model to make a difference. I can do that as an editor, a fashion designer, or a wife...”

Wait, what? Mari’s voice had trailed off during her last sentence, but Dia could not have misheard her. It took a few seconds for her to comprehend what Mari had said, because her brain felt like it malfunctioned at the word ‘wife’.

“W-wife? Whose wife?”

Realizing her own Freudian slip, Mari’s face turned beet red, but she didn't take back her words. “You can be so dense sometimes, Dia.”

“Did I miss something?” 

“Earlier, you said you love me. It wasn't in the past tense.”

Dia’s jaw dropped. So, she had been awake during her confession. This girl should have gone into acting. Moreover, if she had heard her, then why wasn't she more furious with her? Instead, Mari was saying misleading things that could give her false hope. 

“Was that a mistake?”

Despite knowing that it wasn’t, Dia didn’t say anything at first. She couldn’t. The alcohol had worn off by now. They were both painfully sober and aware of what they had said, intentionally and unintentionally. Without the liquid courage, it was difficult for her to look Mari in the eyes. However, she couldn't bear to see Mari hurt, especially when she was the cause of it. 

“No, it’s the truth.” Her voice was barely audible, but it was enough.

There was the sound of a chair being pushed back and a rush of footsteps. Before Dia could react, Mari was suddenly too close; everything was too real. Mari’s hands were gently covering her own, preventing her from running away. Their eyes met and Dia couldn’t look away this time. “My feelings have always been clear, Dia. I loved you then and I love you now. Back then, I loved you so much that I would probably have done anything you asked. That hasn't changed.”

“That’s why I couldn’t ask you to stay. It had to be your choice.” Dia said softly. Here was Mari, offering her everything and more, but she didn’t know if she could handle the risk. She still had feelings for her, that much was obvious. However, if they were to fall apart again, she was certain that she would not be able to come back from it. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I’m here now, and this is my choice. I don’t regret it.” Mari stated firmly. “You confuse and frustrate me, and sometimes I want to yell at you. Yet, despite all those things, I still really like you, and I think you feel the same about me.”

Mari’s hands were shaking slightly so Dia squeezed them in an attempt to give her some form of assurance that she was listening. “But for us to work, you have to choose me too. I want you to look at me, the current me; not the past or imaginary versions of me that you put on a pedestal. If you still feel the same way, then whatever happens, we can work on it together.”

“Then, will you go out with me?” Dia blurted out. Mari’s look of slight surprise made her backtrack and appraise her sentence. She only realised how it sounded when Mari gave her a knowing smirk. “Ah, for breakfast! I haven’t had time to buy groceries this week. You can still go for your audition afterwards.”

“Certainly.” Mari said simply, the mischievous gleam not leaving her eyes. Dia rolled her eyes, but she felt the atmosphere shift between them. For the first time in awhile, she could see a future that was more than just wishful thinking.

As they exited the apartment, the camera and the magazine remained on the table.

Mari never made it to her audition.

**Author's Note:**

> 付き合ってくれて is what Dia is supposed to say in the end, but the first word sounds like 好き which means "I like you" and the phrase is also used in confessions to ask someone to date them. Hence, I thought it was a good line to end the fic on a more positive note. 
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this fic and it completely went out of control because I love angst and writing angsty diamari is a dream for me. Originally the fic was supposed to be word play on photographs and ending with the breakup but it moved and shifted into an exploration on photography and the modelling industry. There are a lot of references and symbolism that I incorporated to parallel ideas and concepts used by photographers in real life (since I was a photojournalist). Hope you enjoyed reading it.


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